1 Bottle Scotch whiskey: Johnnie Walker Black Label preferred
An empty scotch glass
1 Bottle Grecian Formula
1 Live Christian infant
Using the scotch glass, empty the entire contents of the scotch, one glass at a time, into your mouth, occasionally smoking an entire cigarette in less than a minute. Muss your hair and apply some Grecian Formula to it, not enough to actually dye your hair, just enough to make it smell like you have. Make the infant smoke one of the cigarettes in front of its parents and their priest, then eat it raw. The flavours of baby, scotch, and lung cancer, mixed with the smells of smoke and bad hair products will make you bitter enough to hurl insults at Mother Teresa.
(This is only meant in good fun and I strongly admire Mr. Hitchens.)