Mai Hollywood Cheesecake

December 29, 2007 by

For crust: Preheat oven to 350 F

Combine: 2 cups graham cracker crumbs

1/3 cup granulated sugar

1 stick (1/2 cup) melted butter

Press this mixture into a 9” springform pan and bake for 10 minutes.

In your mixer, slowly paddle (DO NOT WHIP) 1.5 lbs (3 8 oz sticks) of softened cream cheese

YOUR OBJECTIVE HERE IS NOT TO WHIP ANY AIR INTO IT

It must be creamy, smooth and homogenous. Scrape down the sides of the bowl FREQUENTLY to achieve this. It should be as liquid as possible.

Then add: ½ cup sugar

3 well beaten eggs

1 ½ tsp vanilla

Pinch of salt

Adding the egg in increments, scraping down the sides of the bowl again frequently to keep it smooth and homogenous.

Before pouring the mixture into the crust, slam the bowl a number of times against the countertop (on a towel to cushion it) to release any air bubbles in the mixture. The more air bubbles that are released, the less cakey and more creamy in texture your cheesecake will be.

IDEALLY, the cake should be baked in a waterbath – again so as not to cause it to become cakey Just wrap the springform pan well in aluminum to prevent water from getting through the cracks, and bake it in a water bath with the water half way up the side of the pan. This regulates the temperature so the cheese mixture bakes uniformly, without it heating up from the sides, and then baking inward that will cause hard cheesecake side, and creamy cheesecake interior. Think of baking it similar to a crème caramel or crème brulee, it is a form of a custard, just a cheese one.

Bake until set – anywhere from 40 minutes to 1 hour and 15 minutes. When baking, you shouldn’t let time be your only guide, doneness or setting should be your main guideline, so don’t be concerned if it takes longer than the time guide. How things bake are dependent on the type of oven you have, the pan, the water bath and the number of times you open the oven. To determine when it is set, jiggle the pan slightly – if it still appears liquid in the center (ie it ripples like a liquid) it hasn’t set yet.

After you put it in the oven, combine: 2 cups sour cream

1 tsp vanilla

3 tbsp sugar

Pinch of salt

Let it sit and stir once again before putting on the cheesecake to ensure the sugar is dissolved. Again, slam any bubbles out of this mixture like with the cheese mixture.

Top the cheesecake with this mixture, and return to the oven and bake for 5-10 minutes until set. Remove and cool thoroughly to room temp, then in the fridge for at least 6 hours to fully set.

NOTE: If you have already made your coulis and you want to make your cheesecake extra pretty, puree a small amount of it so it is the same texture as the sour cream mixture, and drizzle some in a spiral (from the center outward) over the top of the sourcream before the last baking. Take a knife and run it through the spiral, wiping it off after every cut, alternating from the center outward, and from the sides to the center to create a really cool looking spider web effect.

Flying Spaghetti Monster Recipe

December 29, 2007 by

– body: pasta fresca
– balls: fried tofu balls
– eyes: rice cakes and kalamata olives.

*Pasta Fresca* serves 2

[ingredients]
– 1 1/4cup semolina flour
– 1/2 cup water
– 1 tbs olive oil

[directions]
– combine the ingredients and knead for 2 minutes
– rest the dough for 30 minutes
– roll and cut into strips
– set aside to dry (for a few hours)
– it takes about 3 minutes to cook in boiling water

*Fried Tofu Balls* makes 2 dozen balls


[ingredients]

– 1 package firm tofu, drained and mashed
– 1/2 onion, minced
– 1 tbs olive oil
– 1 tbs wheat germ
– 1 tbs bread crumbs
– 1 tbs flour
– 1 tsp oregano
– 1 tsp red chili pepper
– oil for frying
– 2 cups marinara sauce

[directions]

– combine all the ingredients
– make small balls (about 1tbs each) and fry them
– simmer in marinara sauce

Baby Burger**

December 29, 2007 by

Ingredients:

  • 1 baby
  • 1 hamburger bun, or hoagie roll
  • Lettuce
  • Ketchup
  • Onions
  • Mayo

Directions:

  1. Place baby and toppings on bun
  2. Eat

**Just kidding

Christopher Hitchens Surprise

December 29, 2007 by

1 Bottle Scotch whiskey: Johnnie Walker Black Label preferred
20 Cigarettes
An empty scotch glass
1 Bottle Grecian Formula
1 Live Christian infant

Using the scotch glass, empty the entire contents of the scotch, one glass at a time, into your mouth, occasionally smoking an entire cigarette in less than a minute. Muss your hair and apply some Grecian Formula to it, not enough to actually dye your hair, just enough to make it smell like you have. Make the infant smoke one of the cigarettes in front of its parents and their priest, then eat it raw. The flavours of baby, scotch, and lung cancer, mixed with the smells of smoke and bad hair products will make you bitter enough to hurl insults at Mother Teresa.

Serves one.

(This is only meant in good fun and I strongly admire Mr. Hitchens.)

Mediterranean Vegetable Penne

December 29, 2007 by

Serves approx 4 people.

Ingredients

1 Red, Green & yellow capsicum

10 Medium sized white button mushrooms sliced into quarters

1 large red onion sliced into sections like an orange

2 zucchini slice lengthwise

5 med sized bier sticks sliced into even small pieces

1 punnet of cherry tomatoes

½ cup parmesan cheese finely grated

¾ cup of cold pressed olive oil

1 cup (if fresh) or 1/3 cup (if dried) oregano, basil, rosemary & parsley finely chopped

4 heaped cups of Penne pasta

Vinaigrette dressing or similar

Set oven to grill @ approx 200C (high)

Boil penne pasta in large saucepan until tender. Set aside.

Chop vegetables and lay out on flat oven tray mixed evenly and flat.

Combine: parmesan, 80% of herbs, olive oil and brush over liberally.

Put in oven for approx 50 min or until crispy. Turn every 10 minutes and brush over with more mixture.

Stir in Penne pasta, the remaining herbs, bier sticks & cherry tomatoes. Add in some basil vinaigrette just before serving or similar dressing and serve with a nice Shiraz wine!

EVIL!1!one French Toast

December 29, 2007 by

You will need-

1 loaf of apple fritter bread, sliced to 1/2″ to 3/4″ thickness

6 large eggs, or 1 really small ostrich egg if you’re into those

2 tablespoons freshly grated cinnamon. Pre-ground if you must use it will do alright. I guess.

2 cups whole milk. You can use 2% milk if you like. 1% is pushing it buddy. Skim? Go eat a celery stick, you prude.

2 tablespoons vanilla

Instructions-

Crack your eggs into a big ol’ bowl. Add the cinnamon, vanilla and milk. Whip until everything is evenly mixed. Dip slices of apple fritter bread into the EVIL!1!one mixture, fry in a well-buttered frying pan or on a skillet at medium heat until done (if you’ve pre-heated the pan, this should take only about 2-3 minutes on each side)

Serves: 1 shockingly hungry atheist with a hollow leg, or 6-8 reasonably hungry atheists.

Recommended Toppings: Regular or Chocolate-flavored Coolwhip; butter and your syrup of choice; crushed fresh raspberries, strawberries or whatever fruit it is you fancy; apple butter. Be creative if you like. I wouldn’t recommend tuna, in any event. Or sardines. But, your call.

Bean and Baby Soup

December 29, 2007 by

2 lbs cooked, diced baby (substitute smoked or honey ham if baby is not available in your area)

10 cups water

2 cups cream

1 cup minced garlic (fresh is best, out of a jar if you must.  Powdered? Are you kidding? Go get some real garlic, chump)

1 lb great northern beans

1 lb lima beans (substitute with split peas if you’re feeling fancy)

6 white onions, quartered

1 green bell pepper, 1 yellow bell pepper, 1 red bell pepper; all chopped coursely

6 drams of pure evil (substitute with virgin tears if pure evil is too rich for your tastes. Cheapskate.)

Seasonings:  celery salt, white pepper, black pepper, italian herbs (all to taste, as you like) and 2 bay leaves

Instructions:     Dump the beans into a ginormous pot (ginormous = 5 gallon pot should do nicely) with the water and seasonings.    Boil them mercilessly for about 1 hour.    Add the seasonings in the proportions you’ve determined to be tasty; I can’t tell you what’s tasty or not, you’ll just have to experiment, though I highly recommend watching yourself with the celery salt- too much will catch up with you when the soup thickens, and that’s just not right.

Add your diced baby , onions and bell peppers to the pot.    Stir in the cream.     Turn the heat down to a low simmer and let it cook for about 8 hours.

Serves approximately 16-32 amoralist pigs, or one small catholic family, as you prefer.

Delicious Cocoa Bites

December 29, 2007 by

    Ingredients

    • 2 cups of brown sugar
    • 6 table spoon of cocoa
    • cup of butter
    • cup of cream
    • teaspoon of vanilla
    • cups of Quaker oatmeal

    Directions:

    1. Mix the sugar, the cocoa, and the butter with the cream and the vanilla together in a pan.
    2. bring it to a boil, while stirring constantly.
    3. Remove from the heat the moment it boils
    4. Throw in the oatmeal and stir until completely mixed

    On a biscuit plate one table spoon and refrigerate. Serve sinfully cold.

    Serves many atheists

    White Trash Cereal (serves 1 white trash atheist)

    December 29, 2007 by

    Ingredients:

    • M&Ms
    • Reese’s Pieces (the candy coated peanut butter morsels)
    • Milk (optional)

    Directions:

    1. Put M&Ms and Reese’s Pieces in a cereal bowl (and milk if desired)
    2. Place mixture in microwave on high for 45 seconds, or until M&Ms have melted
    3. Eat like cereal with a spoon and a big smile on your face

    The World’s Best Fried Chicken

    December 29, 2007 by

    Basics:

    1. You must brine the chicken pieces ahead of time.

    2. There is no substitute for buttermilk; don’t even think about it.

    3. No, you cannot use any other kind of pan but a cast-iron skillet. No.

    4. Temperature – you’ll have to do a few test pieces to determine the right setting on your stove for the pan you’re using. On my stove, it’s just under medium with a 12-inch iron skillet. You’re aiming for a temperature that’s lower than what you’d normally use for grease-free deep fat frying, but not so low the chicken gets soggy. But, it has to be low enough that the outside doesn’t burn while the inside stays raw.

    Ingredients:

    – about 6 thighs and drumsticks, brined

    – 2 and 1/2 cups flour

    – scant tablespoon salt

    – two teaspoons garlic powder

    – slightly less onion powder

    – a couple vigorous shakes of HOT paprika, or cayenne pepper

    – 1 teaspoon crushed thyme

    – Lots of fresh-ground black pepper

    – 1/2 teaspoon MSG. Yep, that’s right, MSG, sold as Accent. No, it’s not toxic, and no, you’re not allergic to it (big food myth). Leave it out if you’re paranoid.

    – Enough Crisco to have about a half-inch of hot oil in the skillet

    Prep:

    Mix your dry ingredients and put them in a wide, shallow bowl. Pour buttermilk into another bowl, replenishing as needed. Take chicken and dunk it in the buttermilk, shaking off excess. Mash (yes, mash) chicken into flour mixture all over, coating everything. You can be really decadent and give it another dunk in the buttermilk and another flour mashing (mmm, mmm). Set chicken aside on plate.

    IMPORTANT – Let the chicken rest for at least 20 minutes after coating. This lets the coating set up and stick to the chicken so it doesn’t peel off during cooking.

    Fry chicken two – three pieces at a time. Cover and fry for about 20 minutes, then turn, recovering the skillet and cook for another 15 minutes or so. Remove the cover and cook for another 5 minutes, turning the chicken again to recrisp the outside and evaporate the water that’s gotten into the crust from the covered skillet. This method is the best, and is well-described in the Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook.

    Drain the chicken on paper towels, and keep warm on an uncovered plate in the oven until all the pieces are done.

    Best served with other heart-attack-inducing dishes, such as creamy mashed potatoes with cream gravy. I like to accompany it in the traditional Southern way, with greens stewed with ham hocks, and lard biscuits. This is a not a meal for health sissies.

    Cream gravy:

    Reserve about two tablespoons of the Crisco, scooping up the little browned bits that fell off the chicken. Add three tablespoons of flour and make a roux. In a separate pan, boil a chicken bullion cube in a minimal amount of water, just until dissolved. Set bullion aside.

    Slowly add about 1 and 1/2 cups whole milk to the roux, stirring constantly to prevent lumps. Add bullion, and let thicken, stirring constantly. If you need a little more thickener, whisk flour into cold milk and add. Be sure to add a generous amount of fresh black pepper.